I can’t believe you got the chance to be home for a few days, and you didn’t even bother to try to see me. You blew me off Saturday, I tried to get over it. You blew me off Sunday, I tried to get over it, I didn’t try on Monday, and Tuesday you broke me heart so on Wednesday I acted like I didn’t care. You treated me like shit the entire time. I don’t know how you expected us to even try to get back together with the way you were treating me. Blowing me off and flirting with other girls and expecting me to still be here for you? That’s not how it works, you basically pulled a Derick. Only he actually came to see me, you didn’t. I used to think that you would never be so cruel as to do what did to me. But I was wrong. You called me immature. That was a low blow even for you. So, obviously you never loved me, you probably never ment anything you ever told me. So, Anthony Sean, I’m done wasting my time with you. I’m moving and I hope I never hafta see or talk to you again. Good luck.
I can’t deal with your bullshit anymore. You love me? Quit ignoring me and treating me like shit. You care? Then act like it, you’ve ignored me all day, and just posted a bunch of stuff that I bet you know just pisses me off. So act like you give a damn for once. Cause I’m tired of your hot and cold bullshit.
So, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just leave me alone. I told you i didn’t want to talk to you anymore, i deleted all your friends and even blocked you so i had cut you off. but you couldn’t just leave me alone. there was a reason i did those things. you said you weren’t gunna be dating til after you got out of training, so i tried to give up and cut you out. and then you talk about coming home for some court thing…so we can hang out for a little and talk about things. which i don’t mind i guess…but when you get mad at me for not friending you back anywhere….kinda irritates me. i unfriended you to protect myself, i’m not just gunna add you again, just to delete you later. it’s not like i stop loving you, i do love you, but whens the last time you told me that you loved me first? whens the last time that you tried to relate anything lovey to me? two weeks ago, i know it’s not much, but when i’m trying to avoid things with you and you just keep putting things in my head, and giving me false hope…it doesn’t work with me. That last message, “why would they be up in the first place” kinda just totally shot me down. i’m trying to fix this, to maybe see if we can work past this and everything else…knowing that it could go both ways…and you tell me that? what’s the point of doing anything if you already shot down my hopes. “i didn’t mean it like that” well how did you mean it? how else am i supposed to take that? it clearly says “don’t even try, its pointless.” so, i’m done. thanks for the false hope, and at least you give me a straight up answer….unlike some people.
March was never a great month for me…usually i would still be getting over my birthday and knowing that i had a whole year ahead of me. I’d look ahead, think about what i did the past year and what exactly brought me to where i’m at now. Where am i now? Basically in the same place i was in my last few posts…things are a bit more difficult…but much easier at the same time. Ever since October, things have been a little weird. Mainly cause you didn’t want to accept what it was you were feeling and let me in. you werent ready and i didnt realize that last October was supposed to be something important…but i’m greatful that it didn’t end up happening. you definately deserve better. In a way i’m still in the same place…you came over twice. which is a miracle compared to last time. not only did you come over, but both times you ended up staying the night. laying with you, having you hold me, and kissing you! oh, i never wanted it to stop. Unfortunately i need to sleep…and you well. i suppose your a very busy man when your home. your only here for two weeks this time, instead of a whole month…so i’d imagain you have a lot of catching up to do…i just don’t want you to forget about me. i’ve laid back, waited for you, seen you say things that have hurt me, but i never really mention it. i try to brush it off…act like it’s nothing. cause sometimes it really. i like to over think things, we both know that. But after you come over to my house, introduce yourself to not only my siblings, but my mother too..well, that kinda means something. even tho you won’t blantly say anything bout it, i assume that we’re…well, arent we? but you didnt say anything…so maybe we’re not anything? i don’t know, but i was kinda hoping youd tell me. i was expecting you around again..but i’m starting to think, with only a week left, i may not get to. i really don’t want to put any pressure on you, force you into anything you don’t want. i mean you’d have talked to me by now, told me something right? how hard is it to tell me that your busy? that you cant talk now? i mean, if i’m so important to you why do you keep me in the dark? you don’t need to tell me everything i guess…but i wish you’d at least talk to me. make me feel better about whatever “us” is. if there even is an “us”. gawd, i’m so confused about that. i really wanted to know, but i was so scared to ask. what if it was a no? what if you just wanted….but it couldn’t be, you said you love me, that you “never stopped” that wasn’t just to get in my pants was it? but then again…some people are really good at saying anything to get with a woman, especially a guy as experienced as you are. but…your not that type right? who am i to know. sure, i admit i over think alot…but it’s mostly cause i havent heard from you much in a few days…or today at all really. kinda worries a girl when you won’t tell her anything thats going on. you blow me off on my short days and wont say anything to me on my days off…i mean i took off a whole day for you and you just couldn’t make it. i suppose i wont say anything to you tomorrow and youll finally say something to me. but then again..maybe not. maybe it’ll go by just like today. not a word. i guess i’ll just sleep on the fact that you love me and hope that that just might finally be getting me somewhere. maybe.
You know what really makes me mad? Feeling like I’m left out of y own house. I’m going on vacation this week and I honestly think no one will notice. I can’t post anything anywhere anymore. Where am I supposed to talk about how I feel? Or where am I supposed to go? If I’m mad, I have a right to talk about it where ever I want to. You blew me off mom. I’ve been in my room all day, waiting on you to come get and tell me “let’s go” but you came in here twice. The first talking about your period. And the second, you yelled at me about posting something on FB. You know what. I see how much you care. Maybe I’ll just go back to Wyoming and not come back. If that’s how you really feel about things. I hate you. I hate all of you. Cept Roxie.
This…girl that your with…absolutely angers me. If it wasnt for her then i wouldnt be in this whole mess in the first place. She thinks she loves you? No, that…girl…doesnt even know what love is. It would appear she just throws it around. She doesnt understand how special you are, how beautiful you are, or even what youve been through! How could she just throw around that word? She doesnt near get it, and it angers me that i just sit by and see it. Watch it all happen. “She’ll never love you the way i do. Never.”
I miss you, i love you. I want to be with you, i wish you were here, i wish i could be there. I dont want to be with him. I dont love him, i only did it cause i thought it was for the best, but i didnt say that it was for the best for me. I cant keep lieing to myself, im happy, but not near as happy as i would be if i was with you =/
When you told me that your best friend was a she…well i’ll admit that bothered me a little…but i knew i shouldn’t let it bother me. i mean she’s been your friend for 12 years…i’ve only known you for a few months…so really, if you’ve had feelings for her all along…the ones for me arent really that important. I feel bad cause i’ve fallen so hard and so fast for you, and i don’t really understand what it was that you just told me. but i’m worried that your beating around the bush about what is actually on your mind. if your more into her, by all means end what ever it is between us now. i’ll be mad, angry and hurt. but i’ll know the truth, and you’ll be truly happy. she was there first, i was only someone who could keep you happy for a little while. after all, i’m only a little girl…i don’t know much about love, i’ve been hurt alot and i’m ready to just give up. you were there to pick me up when i was about to loose hope. you made me smile when no one else really could, and i thank you so much for that. know that i miss you. and that i really do think that i might love you. it’s alot to say about someone you’ve only known for a few short months. but when you came over, i was overjoyed that you had chosen me to be your first in nearly 9 months. i wanted to make it the best..but instead i made it childish and i was insecure about how i looked. your the only one i want to be with right now, and i need to know you want me too. i know you like me, but like doesnt compare to a friendship youve had for 12 years. feelings hafta have developed there. whether from her, or you. just please, if you don’t want me…let me know…i don’t want to be played with anymore…=/
As much as i would hate to admit it…maybe everyone was right. I might be overthinking a little bit, but he hasn’t really talked to me, or seen me…since. and i’m so worried…maybe everyone was right, maybe he was just looking for some ass, and i was the only one willing to give it so soon…but then again…he seemed like he wanted me a little more than a one time thing. i mean he said we’d go on a date, and he said that there would be a next time…but, from what he’s posted…it makes me think either he doesn’t want anything to do with me, or maybe he just has family issues. whatever the reason, his silence raises nothing but questions for me. i don’t know what to do. i want to wait, but i’ve waited so long already. He’s the only one that i really want to be with. i mean when i was with him, holding his hand, hugging him, touching him, his face, his hair, his tattoos…everything. all i wanted was him, and when i had him…it was absolute bliss. he was everything i could ask for and more, gentle, and sweet with forehead kisses…if it’s time he needs, fine. but please come back to me, or at least tell me whats going on. i have know idea whats going on in his head, and i’m mad at myself for not asking him. but if he doesnt want me, he would let me know, right? he did before…i know he wants to date me, he wished he was ready so he could..but why would he back off and ignore me…did i scare him? did i move to fast? did he realize that he didnt like me at all? i’m so scared of the answers and even more worried to ask them…please don’t leave me yet…your all i wanted from the beginning..it just took me awhile to see it. now tell me that you can see me with you. we’d be perfect…it’ll be hard, i know. but you? your all i want right now…